Over the
years my thoughts about being single have under gone some change.
A lot of
change.
When I
was really little I thought that I would be a single missionary in Africa;
running an orphanage and being an all-around super woman that people would
write books about.
That
dream has changed.
Later I
wanted to be a single woman who worked for the FBI saving lives and again being
super woman.
That
dream too has changed.
As I got
into high school and on, my thoughts and dreams changed from being a single
super woman to obsessing about being married, having a bunch of kids, the
perfect home, a great husband, a dog, and being a super sports mom. Having the
life that people envied.
As I
traveled the world I became convinced that I would meet the man of my dreams:
tall, dark, and handsome, and a lover of Jesus.
Yet with
each passing year, with each trip that I take, my conviction about meeting the
man of my dreams has died.
You see,
I had been looking for a man that could complete me. Someone that I could share
life with, someone that would take away past hurts (or at least fill the void
that the hurt brought) I wanted a man that could take my imperfect life and
somehow change it to perfect. It sounds so foolish even as I write this.
I had become
so obsessed with finding the 'perfect man' that it consumed me; though most
people would not know that because I hide behind the mask that said I was fine.
In the
middle of my second year of bible school, still no perfect man had come along,
I decided that I was not going to sit around mending socks waiting. I was going
to do something with my life other than wait for a man to come and complete me.
So I
continued to do the thing that I love. I traveled doing missions. I moved to
the Dominican Republic for two years. Saw great things. Saw God work in big
ways. Moved back home and went back to school.
Still no
perfect man.
I am not
sure when it happened.
Maybe it
was a conversation that I had, maybe it was in observing some married people,
and maybe it was seeing more of the world.
In any
case the Lord opened my eyes to see that I am not going to find a perfect man.
Why would
I need a perfect man, when by definition there is no such thing, when I have a
perfect savior?
I don’t
mean that in a cynical way at all. Just as a fact. There are no perfect men.
But there is a perfect God.
I wasted
so much time looking for ‘the perfect man’, ‘mr. right’ ‘the man of my dreams’
or whatever you want to call him. When I could have spent that time getting to
know the Lord.
I know
that sounds so cheesy. But sometimes the cheesy is true.
If there
is one regret that I have it is that I wasted so much time focused on the wrong
thing.
But
regardless of how I spent the last few years, I refuse to spend my future like
I did my past.
“I’m part
of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has
been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made- I’m a
disciple of his. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished
and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed
visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need
preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t
have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I
now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by
prayer, and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is
heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide
reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured
away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of
sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of
popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won’t give up, shut up, let
up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the
cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I
drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for
his own, he will have no problem recognizing me. . . my banner will be clear!”
(Zimbabwe Pastors Prayer)
This is
my prayer.
My
focused is Christ, and my mission is seeing the lost get saved, and if along
the way the way the Lord decides that a husband would be good for me, then
praise the Lord, we can do ministry together!
I am not
saying that I can’t do these things with a husband, in fact ministry could be
so sweet with a husband, but that is not what God has for me right now.
God has
me in a role of singleness and that may or may not change.
My goal
is to live each day to the fullest, getting to know my savior, having my focus
on heaven.
So for
those of you who have pointed out the sign above my head, that I
affectionately
call "The Single Sign",
I want
you to know this: I know I am single.
In the
last few weeks it seems as though a day has not go by without some comment
about me being single. Comments that are most common are as follows:
“Why are
you still single?” You would make such a great wife!” “You are so good with
kids, do you have any?”
To the
first; I have no idea.
To the
second; thank you! Thank you for seeing qualities in me that I don’t see
in myself. And thank you for telling me.
To the
third; again, thank you. I love children and if the Lord ever does bless me
with a family I pray that I can live up to that complement.
I don’t
hate that people are always pointing out my obvious state of singleness, in
fact most of the time I laugh and joke with them. They only want what they
themselves have experienced and love. I get that.
The only
thing that bothers me is that sometimes in the talking about my singleness it
is implied or outright said that I have not lived until I get married. That I
am not whole without having experienced marriage.
Not only
is that wrong, but it demeans what I do and who I am.
I am
single. I am in the place that God has for me, so to insinuate that I am
missing out on something better by not being married means that God is
withholding something good from me.
And that
is just not true.
I serve a
God that says right now the best thing for me is to be single. If that was not
the case then I would be married and God would be a liar.
God’s
best is different for each person. For you it may be that you are married;
praise the Lord, how sweet that must be! For me it is being single and
reaching those that, if I were married, I would not be able to reach. God has a
plan for each and every one of His children, and it is different for each of us.
As I
continue on this path of singleness that God has me on, my prayer is that I
will continue to fix my eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of my faith, who
for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despised the shame, and is
sitting at the right hand of the Father.
My prayer
for you is that you will live each day that God has given you to its fullest,
enjoying the place that God has you in; married or single.
